Separated Parenting

Being a non-custodial parent is, I am sure, no more difficult than being the custodial one. However, it is different, it operates under different rules and it provides very humbling experiences at times.

For the most part I manage to cope well with our situation. I see my daughter, Sophie, every second weekend and we have a flexible arrangement so that we can change weekends at a moment's notice if either household has a change of plans.

The flexibility has sometimes meant that there has developed a sense of "it's ok not to go with Dad this weekend if you want to do something else", which has been abused a couple of times.

2 days a fortnight makes for a difficult opportunity to maintain a relationship. Telephone calls are no compensation. Even more difficult is discovering that your child was in a school play or had a sports carnival and no-one bothered to tell you! *sigh*

As some of you might be aware from previous postings, the problems that do arise are usually issues between my ex and myself, often brought about through the interference of my sister (gotta love to hate siblings!).

Inevitably, the major problems have revolved around money - child support is a necessary responsibility, but when there's no money to give the other parent's lack of empathy can seem like a hurricane of greed motivated by the "financial burden" of raising a child. My answer has always been that if it is such a burden, I would gladly take custody and not ask for a dime in child support! The hysteria swiftly ends upon the realisation that the value of having custody transcends any monetary gains.

Other issues have centred around the activities that Sophie enjoys with us compared with what she does with her Mother. I take Sophie to the museums, art galleries, and movies. We've had nights at the theatre and the ballet. Often we will go out to a cafe for an arvo break or have dinner in a restaurant. These are things that Sophie's Mum cannot afford or probably wouldn't choose to do.

In the past, my ex has complained that Sophie is too disruptive on her return home. Perhaps because she has to settle back into a new environment with different rules, or perhaps because she has been excited and wants to relay what she did this weekend.

Occasionally (last weekend being an example) we also have Sophie's half-brother with us for the weekend. That makes a nice change for everyone - allows my ex and her hubby to have some time to themselves (or run a garage sale like they did last weekend) and also changes the dynamics of our household for a short while.

I don't approve of some facets of how Sophie is being brought up, but looking at the big picture they are minor issues and I try to counteract them as best as I can. I think Sophie has benefited from learning to adjust accordingly under the two households.

Being a separated parent is harder on ourself than it is on the kids. They adapt very quickly and, as parents, we tend to put on the brave face and protect them from the disruption and the hurt caused by the separation.

Sophie turns 10 in two weeks time and I'm starting to think about how we will handle access arrangements in her teens, when she starts playing weekend sport or wants to socialise with her friends more than she does presently. New compromises will have to be negotiated, I'm sure.

No matter which way you look at it, being the non-custodial parent can be more difficult personally when having to say farewell for a two-week stint every cycle. I'm ever hopeful that an alternative arrangement is required in the future. I want my chance as a full time parent too.

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Battle of the sexes

Whilst trying to support gender equity, Tracy (who I appreciate dearly and consider a friend and confidante) has fallen into the trap of using stereotypes and perpetuating the myth that men and women are so different that they can never appreciate the value of each other.

It reminds me of the many times that I've had women complaining to me about men ... and then adding the disclaimer "oh, but not you, you're gay!" as if my sexuality somehow made me immune to the fallibility of maleness and put me on the same level (or at least a closer level) to the infallible femaleness.

I support equality, equity, justice and fairness for all and I share the values of humanity in aspiring to reach those goals. I don't believe that women (and especially 'womyn') have a monopoly on the "right way". Complaining about negative "male values" whilst praising positive "female values" does nothing to promote goodwill between the genders.

We've all dealt with this 'logic' many times before ... "refugees are queue jumpers", "Muslims are terrorists", "Abos are welfare bludgers", "queers are paedophiles", "If you have AIDS then you must be queer or a drug addict".

Imagine if I were to protest about the "money-hungry values of the Jewish people", or complain of the "Islamic taste for murder through suicide bombers"! Vilification doesn't have to be overt to be wrong.

Please don't perpetuate the gender-war by using stereotypes and unfair generalisations.

Humanist first, feminist second.

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Position yourself behind what you believe in!

From Peter Oborne's interview with Liberal Democrats leader Charles Kennedy in The Spectator, Sept 21:

I suggest to him that, if he was serious about power, he should shift Liberal Democrat policy to the right of Labour and the left of the stumbling Tories, and mop up.

For the first time Kennedy gets angry.

"That's exactly what we should not do. In politics you should position yourself behind what you believe in and articulate it. Then see if that's what the voters want, and if it's not what they want, well, that's democracy."

Understanding the angry young boy

Well .. this has been an interesting day to say the least. I've just finished writing this message and having read over it I realise that it is very intense, but I don't apologise for that. I've had a stark realisation and its been quite an emotional awakening that I thought it was worth sharing.

It's not entirely on topic but it just goes to show that even as adults we can learn from each other about kids and, remembering that we were all children once, we can learn about ourselves.

And a big thanks to Fi ... I think you've given me the knowledge to understand why I am who I am and how I used to be.

I just happened to be clearing out some of my emails when I came across a reference to Stephen Biddulph. That made me track down the thread (this one) and read what I'd missed.

Fi, ... I told you I skimmed this thread - mainly because it was addressed to Vicki. I wish I hadn't ... and so glad I came back to it.

I was also a very very angry young boy. I'd always put it down to being the smallest in my classes and getting picked on. Reading the excerpt from that book (thanks Fi for posting it) highlighted a very important point for me.

My most aggressive times were early primary (2,3,4) and also years 8,9. My Mother's Dad died when I was in year 2 and my Mother's Mum died when I was in year 8. All of my Father's family live in New Zealand and NSW so my Mum's parents were the only family I had regular contact with.

I was too young to really remember my Pop, but I have a strong memory of sitting on his knee while he made his cigarettes in a tin case, carefully laying out the paper and the tobacco on this leather strip inside the case. Then upon snapping the case closed out would pop a rolled cigarette. I thought it was magic! I also remember the smell of his pipe. I still love that smell of pipe tobacco.

Pop had a stroke and was in hospital for a number of days and we had come up from the country to stay with Nanna. I remember the telephone call that Mum got whilst we were there and my Mum bursting into tears and running outside to see Dad. They just stood there holding each other and I knew something was terribly wrong. I also still remember the nightmare that I had for days after.

I didn't go to the funeral. I never questioned it, or at least I don't recall questioning not going.

My Nanna died in 1982, when I was at the end of year 8. I have a lot more memories of her. We were living in the country again and had a police officer come around to tell Mum & Dad the sad news because we didn't have a phone (hard to imagine that now).

Mum & Dad went to Perth for the funeral and left us kids behind with friends. They were gone for a few days. I pleaded with them to let me go with them and to go to the funeral but they said I was too young. I was 12.

I had a teddy bear that I'd owned since I was born and had loved so much that the soft fur had almost all come off and only small patches were left intact. My Nanna had knitted a complete cover for it (yellow wool with new button eyes and black wool mouth and nose) when I was about 6 or 7 to protect it. I cried myself to sleep each night while hugging that bear and that bear is still my most precious possession.

I have never really forgiven my parents for not allowing me to go to the funeral. I've told them that, though not so bluntly. They still believe that they did the right thing at the time - I can't argue with what they thought best, but I knew differently.

The first funeral I attended was a very dear friend of the family when I was 22. A lovely old Italian woman who practically adopted my family when we were neighbours. We were always a part of their celebrations - every engagement, wedding and baptism. I grieved at her funeral, not only for that loss, but also for my grandparents for whom I never had the chance to say farewell.

Reading the quotes Fi posted struck a chord with me. Yes .. that is exactly what I had felt. The anger and the hurt and the frustration.

Finally I could start to understand the angry young boy. What a relief. What an awakening.

I guess that is why I was so set on taking Sophie to the funeral of my Uncle (Dad's brother) in NSW. Sophie was 3 and I carefully explained what had happened and why we were going to Newcastle. I took her to the chapel and she saw Uncle Peter laying peacefully in the coffin and she blew him a kiss goodbye.

It was just so perfect of her to understand and not be scared.

As we were sitting in the chapel during the prayer service (typical catholic formalities ... not even at the funeral yet) I was obviously looking a bit soulful and Sophie jumped off my Mum's knee and came over to me, gave me a big hug and said "Uncle Peter's safe now" and then she had a cry with me.

I wish I could have had that opportunity when I was young.

Thanks, Fi, for helping me discover a part of myself.

Victory of the Loud Little Handful

* Victory of the Loud Little Handful *

*by Mark Twain*

The loud little handful - as usual - will shout for the war. The pulpit will - warily and cautiously - object... at first. The great, big, dull bulk of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes and try to make out why there should be a war, and will say, earnestly and indignantly, "It is unjust and dishonorable, and there is no necessity for it."

Then the handful will shout louder. A few fair men on the other side will argue and reason against the war with speech and pen, and at first will have a hearing and be applauded, but it will not last long; those others will outshout them, and presently the antiwar audiences will thin out and lose popularity.

Before long, you will see this curious thing: the speakers stoned from the platform, and free speech strangled by hordes of furious men...

Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.

*Mark Twain, "The Mysterious Stranger" (1910)*

http://commondreams.org/views02/0920-01.htm

Coming Out to Grandparents

Re: a posting on a discussion forum about coming out to grandparents as opposed to other younger, more modern thinking relatives ...

I lost my mother's parents before I was 12. My Pop died in 1977 and I have only a handful of memories. My Nana passed away in 1981. I have no doubt that she would have accepted me and given me one of those delicate, loving hugs with her arthritic hands.

My Father's family live in New Zealand so we hardly ever had much contact with them. I last saw my grandparents 14 years ago when they visited us. My Grandmother died nearly two years ago without really knowing me. I think
that is sad.

I can understand the desire not to burden people with this issue, but on the flipside, why do we believe it is such a burden in the first place? Surely we are the ones carrying any burden ... and I think most of us agree that once you come out there is no longer any burden to speak of ... it is a freedom.

I can't sit in judgement - I don't have any plans to inform my grandfather, although if I ever make the trip to New Zealand, Rich will be with me and I will find a need to say something then. But maybe that day will come to late, just as it already has gone for my other grandparents.

It is a sad indictment on all of us when we promote the need for "PRIDE" and then hide it in a closet when it suits us. I'm guilty and I can't offer a decent excuse.

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Labels and stereotypes

ADVICE GIVEN TO SOMEONE WHO WAS CONCERNED ABOUT NOT "FITTING IN" WITH THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY

Take the time to enjoy being a round peg in a square hole. It is well worth realising and appreciating that you are different and that you don't "fit" the norms that society imposes on us.

Remember also that being a round peg in a square hole also means that you have a bit more space around you and you won't feel so confined ;-) If we all fitted in perfectly there would be no room to move and express our own personality.

And don't think that the queer community is immune from 'norms', expectations, peer pressure and cliques. We are the worst for discriminating and vilifying those who aren't like 'us'.

Just try listing all the different labels our community has adopted ... lipstick lesbians, drag queens & kings, rice queens, potato queens, butch, leather, bears, disco bunnies, etc. Fortunately it is improving with time, but human nature will always resort to defining a person by their appearance and actions in order to put them in a 'box'.

Being outside of the mainstream society has a number of problems, but it also has a number of benefits. In time you will gain the confidence to be yourself, not the person society, your peers or family expect.

In the words of the great philosophers (Monty Python):

"We are all individuals!"

... "But I'm not!"

Evil - Disease or human characteristic?

I like to believe that a healthy human being could never abuse, torture or kill another human being in regular circumstances (wars, famine and persecution excluded). However I regularly hear about such acts of violence taking place in what appear to be otherwise normal situations. So, is it innate in our being, or is it a disease that infects the mind? Perhaps we will never know.

In the meantime I need to believe in the innate goodness of humankind and put all the crap down to an evil disease. Anything less than that suggests that evil lies within each of us and only our conscience keeps it at bay. I fear that prospect more than a disease.

In that context I hope that we all treat each other the best way that we know how, that we all be the best person that we know how. I think we all fail that test occasionally. Sometimes we apologise for our actions, other times we carry on regardless (and perhaps unknowingly) and some of us even do it on purpose against our better judgement. The question is whether we learn from our mistakes and do we feel remorse. That is something only the individual can answer.

The faithful will (apparently) be judged by their god, as will the rest of us if god(s) exist, or we will all just die and there will be no consequence of our actions on earth. Either way we will lay on our death bed full of regret or thankful for the chance to learn.

In the end we are our own judge and jury.

Rebuttal to A. Nock

A. Nock (Letters ,12/12) questions whether the social security system will be overhauled to fix anomalies that allow same-sex couples to be treated as individuals.

Unfortunately, our Federal Government is comprised of the most conservative minds Australia has today -- yes, even more closed-minded than our own State Liberal cronies. As such, there is no chance of reforms on a Federal level, even though the Democrats and the Greens have initiated or supported numerous proposals in the past.

Until the day when we do get similar Federal reforms, I will remain one of the "fortunate" homosexuals who is eligible for social security or Austudy while my same-sex partner works full-time.

Sorry, but until we can enjoy the same rights and freedoms as other couples, I'll gladly accept the small compensation that is available.

Parenting - Freedom, privilege or right?

EMAIL RESPONSE TO A DISCUSSION FORUM REGARDING A LETTER TO THE EDITOR

As much as this may rile a few people, M. Mathewson is correct in that parenting is NOT a right and is most certainly a privilege. I'll add that his/her argument seems to be unfairly aimed towards lesbians and should be aimed at all parents instead.

No one in Australia has the right to tertiary education, to work, to have adequate housing, to walk across a road, or to drive a car, but we tend to think of these things as irrefutable. They are but privileges and we must earn them and continue to prove ourselves worthy lest they be revoked. If you abuse your position as a parent then you will lose that privilege also - that is undeniable.

However we should all have the freedom to be parents. Freedom and rights are often confused in these debates and we need to be aware that Australians have very few rights (I can count them on one hand) but we have many freedoms and privileges.

Same-sex "lifestyle choice"

Letter to the West, as it was published. Two sentences removed.

Yet again The West Australian (Care needed with gay reforms, 16/11) shows its inability to understand the subject matter. Being attracted to the same sex is no more a lifestyle or preference than being male or female.

As for the concern about a lower age of consent giving rise to predation of teenage boys, where is your concern about the currently legal act of predation of teenage girls by older men and women? Reducing the age of consent for homosexual boys to 18 is not equality unless you raise the bar for everyone to 18.

Human rights should never be left to the popular vote. The tyranny of the majority has, in the past, condoned slavery, genocide and discrimination against women.

Today we are a more humane society. Tomorrow we will take another step in that long road of inclusion and respect. I hope that The West Australian will soon follow that lead.

Same-sex "lifestyle choice"

Letter to the Editor (The West Australian), as it was written:

Yet again The West (Editorial, November 16, 2001) shows its inability to understand the subject matter. Being same-sex attracted is no more a lifestyle or preference than being male or female.

As for the concern about lowering the age of consent giving rise to predation of teenage boys, where is your concern about the currently legal act of predation of teenage girls by older men and women? Such an omission continues the vile promotion of women as sexual objects and of older men revered for their virility!

Reducing the age of consent for homosexual boys to 18 is not equality unless you raise the bar for everyone else to 18. While this is something that a large proportion of the conservative community may agree with it is regressive and inevitably unworkable.

Although I would like to see parliamentarians have the freedom to vote according to their conscience on all legislation, it is important to remember that human rights should never be left to the popular vote. The tyranny of the majority has, in the past, condoned slavery, genocide and discrimination against women.

Today we are a more human society. Tomorrow we will take another step in that long road of inclusion and respect. I hope that the West will soon follow that lead.

Bigotry

A MESSAGE POSTED TO AN EMAIL FORUM, OF WHICH I AM A MEMBER

I have just read some of the most bigoted comments I have ever seen and I'm disappointed that they have appeared on this forum.

The Qur'an, the Torah, and the Bible could all be read and interpreted to mean anything under the guidance of the right person. You just need to read Leviticus to understand where the Christian fundamentalists gain their stance on homosexuality, where the Catholics get their views on sex, or where some other groups get their ideas about the foods they eat, or the clothes they wear.

Isolating Islam as a hateful religion is unnecessarily harsh and insulting to Muslims (and to anyone else with a respect for a person's religious beliefs, like myself).

Remember it is the PERSON that causes the terrorism not the religion. Do we blame Catholicism for Northern Ireland? How about blaming the Baptist denomination for the bigotry in the south of good 'ol USA?

Respect and understanding is what is needed, not blame and hate! And it is not a matter of political correctness. The Muslims I know are kind, loving and generous people.

To define Islam on the actions and words of Osama bin laden is as gross an indecency as defining Christianity on the actions and words of Hitler.

World Crisis

An email to a relative in New Zealnd

So pleased that you share the same views as I do. I wish my parents could see it the same way. It is horrifying to see the anger and calls for revenge especially when the US is governed by the son of a cowboy. Who knows what junior is about to do? The USA has never won a war, except against the Japanese - and we know how that ended.

I feel immense sorrow for those people trying to flee Afghanistan and other oppressive regimes and am therefore also saddened by the way our Australian government is (mis)handling the refugee "crisis".

Australia, amongst many nations in the world, is rapidly losing its humanity. Almost 75% of Australians currently support our conservative government in ignoring the needs of genuine refugees.

Meanwhile, Muslim women are being harassed on our streets and a Muslim mosque was fire bombed in the last week. This is a sickening reaction to a dreadful and delicate situation.

It pains me to see my Muslim friends in fear while at the same time joining with 99.9% of other citizens of Earth in condemning the events that shattered New York and Washington.

Two weeks ago I arrived home from a night at the movies and caught an announcement on the radio about the attacks. For the next few hours I watched the events unfurl "live" on the television, thinking to myself that I was watching some bizarre "reality TV" show and that the credits would roll any minute.

I didn't sleep that night or the next day, instead staying glued to the TV and switching emotions as often as the channels. Anger, shock, sadness, fear, panic, and even joy when the few survivors were rescued.

I've spent a lot of time since that day contemplating, writing and talking with other people. One of the most helpful exercises for me was to put pen to paper and I'd like to share some of that effort with you.

Take care of yourself and each other. Give my love to everyone. It is moments like this that I really notice how isolated we are from the rest of the family.

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Let Peace Prevail

Background


I wrote the following around the same time as Two Of A Kind in the wake of September 11. I ended up submitting it to several newspapers in the hope of getting it published as a letter. Unfortunately it didn't succeed. More background here and here.

Empathise with the unspeakable pain and loss,

    but refrain from words and acts of bigoted anger

Acknowledge the need for swift and certain justice,

    but quell the voice of revenge and retribution

Honour the victims and provide solace to their beloved,

    but protect all from wrongful blame or judgement

And above all, no matter what the future holds,

    gain strength from hope (or faith) and let peace prevail.

In The Wake of September 11

An Email to a friend who is also a writer.

Like most people around the world I've been trying to deal with the events of last Tuesday and writing has been a good outlet in the last few days.

I don't usually sit down and write, especially not poetry, but I got around to putting a few verses together and I thought that I would like to share my dark, apocalyptic thoughts with someone who can see more than just words on paper (or a screen).

Anyway, be warned that I haven't written anything flowery and optimistic - I've just been venting some dark bottled up emotion and this is what has evolved. I'm not really looking for a critique, just someone that can understand the need to use words and paper rather than bombs and bullets.

TWO OF A KIND


Two cards dealt by fate,

paired devices in a chanceful game.

Why do they gamble with innocent lives?

The diamond, still rough, and the club, absent of shame.

A lover of money and a trader of souls,

juxtaposed; enemies competing for similar goals



Two freedoms voiced under the banners of faith

a binary of ideals converged at the tangent

Are these the symbols of a world still forming?

The Cross and the Crescent,

the phrenetic and the fanatical,

contiguity; believers in the same ancient idol.



Two energies forged by the gods

a polarity of latent direction

Will the immovable object meet the irresistible force?

Eastern resurrection faces western insurrection

A phoenix rising to glory, an eagle in the twilight of power,

osculation; barbarians of the same hour.



Two battles fought by sentient beings (in theory!)

coupled semaphores of distress.

Can any be the victor of such bloody battles?

Both commit to justice, neither will confess.

Blood on the stars, blood on the half moon,

analogous; all humanity facing the same impending doom.




September 2001

Words of Support and Caution

As much as I can't make sense of what has happened in New York and Washington, even more so I can't make sense of what is happening across the world in reaction to those events.

The unity shown around ground zero at both sites has been inspiring, and yet that same sense of comradery has been set aside by others as they seek to enact harsh judgements upon innocent people due to their race, skin colour, accent or religious beliefs.

Only now after these terrible events have occurred are some people starting to realise why the refugees are trying so desperately to escape from Afghanistan and other oppressive regimes. They don't need our condemnation and fear, they need our empathy and friendship.

Now is not a time to be turning against each other, but for turning to each other for support and solace. That is why I have sent the following letter to the editors of Australia's major newspapers hoping for it to be published to remind people to think before acting.

To the Editor,

As we come to terms with the horrific acts of violence in the USA I want to share with all citizens of our small Earth the following words of support and caution:

  Empathise with the unspeakable pain and loss,
    but refrain from words and acts of bigoted anger
  Acknowledge the need for swift and certain justice,
    but quell the voice of revenge and retribution
  Honour the victims and provide solace to those they loved,
    but protect all from wrongful blame or premature judgement
  And above all, no matter what the future holds,
    gain strength from hope (or faith) and let peace prevail.

Two of a Kind (a war on terror)

I wrote this poem about a week after the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington. It describes the never-ending battle between two forces, neither good nor evil. They are opposites but they are also the same.

Two cards dealt by fate,

Paired devices in a chanceful game.

Why do they gamble with innocent lives?

The diamond, still rough, and the club, absent of shame.

A lover of money and a trader of souls,

Juxtaposed;

enemies competing for similar goals



Two freedoms voiced under the banners of faith

A binary of ideals converged at the tangent

Are these the symbols of a world still forming?

The cross of gold and the black crescent moon,

The phrenetic and the fanatical,

Contiguity;

believers in the same ancient idol.



Two energies forged by the gods

A polarity of latent direction

Will the immovable object meet the irresistible force?

Eastern resurrection faces western insurrection

The phoenix and the eagle in the twilight of power,

Osculation;

barbarians of the same hour.



Two battles fought by sentient beings (in theory!)

Coupled semaphores of distress.

Can any be the victor of such bloody battles?

Both commit to justice, neither will confess.

Blood on the stars and stripes, blood on the half moon,

Analogous;

all humanity facing the same impending doom.



Collin Mullane

In Memory of all those who died

11 September 2001

Tolerance vs Respect

COPY OF EMAIL SENT TO A FRIEND

Well done, M------- ;-)

As an aside, I immensely dislike the term "tolerance" when talking about basic human rights.

I tolerate the heat in summer and I tolerate the flies when I don't have any Aeroguard handy! These things I "tolerate" only because I cannot overcome or dispose of them easily, but tolerance is not the only motivation.

I think respect is what we are really asking for ... an acknowledgement that we are all a part of life, together, and that we need to put aside any differences to work for the common good.

Respect is a much more powerful and inclusive word than tolerance.

Tolerance just sits there and says "I hate you but I'll allow you to live if you don't annoy me". Respect says "I don't agree with you, but you have a right to live in peace"

Sexuality Law Reform

To the Editor (The West Australian)

It is heartening to see such vigorous debate on sexuality issues. It is disheartening, however, to see so much misinformation.

Debate about age of consent is secondary to the real issue, that being whether all our citizens should be treated equally. Raise the age of consent to 21 for all, or lower it to 16 for all.

Equality cannot be compromised.

If I lay dying in a hospital my gay partner does not have a right to be by my side. I do not have the right to name him as beneficiary to my superannuation and if I die intestate he is not acknowledged under probate law.

However, discrimination works both ways. A WA business can legitimately refuse employment to straight people and a property owner could refuse tenancy to heterosexuals.

A member of a same-sex couple can legitimately claim welfare benefits whilst their partner is employed while straight couples are not entitled to that privilege.

Oh, there is another benefit to being gay. I know what unconditional love really means ... the rest of society takes it for granted!