Seven years seems so long ago. As far as relationships go, it might sound a decent stretch, even outstanding and worth commemoration. But it is still in the early stages yet, and we have a lot of growing to do together, a lot of learning and a lot of sharing. Relationships don’t just blossom overnight, and as our time together is limited, we have to put in a little more effort to get over the occasional hurdles, but we have our whole lives ahead of us to get it right.
She’s beautiful, of course, a treasure I would never forsake. The day she was born is vivid in my mind and it will be so until the last day I see her face. A father can never forget that magical moment when their child is born, and for me, I have extra reasons to feel special.
Being a gay man is not a description people would naturally put onto me, especially when seeing my daughter, Sophie, and I together. But to us, it doesn’t seem strange that she is blessed with a wonderful Mother and three Dads. It seems very normal.
As far back as she can remember, I have always had boyfriends rather than girlfriends, but it wasn’t always that way, as her birth obviously portrays. And the question I am still waiting to hear fall from her seven year old lips is “Daddy, when did you stop liking girls and start liking boys?” or something to that effect. And that is one question I could never even answer for myself.
I was married to Fiona, Sophie’s mother, for 2-and-a-half-years before we separated. Although the reasons for our break up did not include my sexuality, it was evident to me that the added pressure of trying to live a straight lifestyle was making me unhappy. It took more than a year to pass before I came to terms with my own sexuality and with that came the responsibility to share this part of my life with those that I loved.
Opening up to my sister was the easiest. As we were sharing a house, and I was developing my first gay relationship, it also became necessary to remove any veils of secrecy. Telling my parents was more difficult, as any gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person will probably agree. I knew it would be, but I faced the task all the same, and at the end of the day I am glad I did, as it was such a weight off my shoulders at the time.
But these tasks aside, how would I tell a child of 3 years that her father was a homosexual? Without knowledge of sexuality, without concept of maleness and femaleness, and without an understanding about the love that occurs between any couple, straight or gay, how would I tell her? How could she possibly understand my feelings and my desires when she was only just starting to learn about her own world? I don’t think I could have found a perfect opportunity or method, and in a way I am glad I didn’t find it. Instead, it found me.
Without the solution at hand, my strategy was to normalise all activity. I believed that if Sophie was to meet and interact with the people in my life without any preconceptions, that it would allow her to develop her own sense of “normal” instead of adopting the version that would be imposed on her by society.
In a sense, this strategy worked. Sophie met my boyfriend at the time, and then she met my subsequent partners. She saw us cuddling on the couch, watching television, kissing and holding hands, she shared our personal space, and she saw a caring relationship develop. If it weren’t for the common denominator of the Y chromosome, it would have been easily mistaken for a “normal” happy and healthy relationship. And of course it should have, because to all of us it was normal. By not actively outing myself to my daughter, or her mother at that stage, I had succeeded in re-defining the normal, but only temporarily.
“Daddy’s boyfriend, Mark...” Sophie began, interrupting a discussion between her mother and her day carer.
“What was that?” asked her mother, half surprised that Sophie had mixed up the word boyfriend for girlfriend, and half surprised that there was another relationship being established. Fiona had commenced a new relationship almost a year earlier. Or did she mean boyfriend in the same way that women talk about their girlfriends, as close friends?
“Daddy’s boyfriend....” she stated again.
I can only imagine the quizzing that my daughter, 3 years old at the time, would have gone through during a very confusing and somewhat embarrassing moment for her mother. It was a defining moment, though; one filled with apprehension, intrigue, shock, concern, and a multitude of other emotional states.
When Fiona broached the subject with me several weeks later, it was with some nervousness and apprehension that I confessed. It did feel like a confession too, like keeping a secret from your very best friend. But at the heart of our discussion were an understanding, an acceptance, and a common concern for the well being of Sophie.
Being open and honest with our daughter was just as important as ensuring she was fed and clothed. At all times I wanted her to know that there were no secrets, no dark closets, and no taboo topics of conversation. My life has been open to my daughter from the day she came into it, and my door is always open to her.
I look back now, and share with others that defining moment when a three-year-old “outed” me. I certainly underestimated a child’s perspective and level of understanding, an attribute that supports the maxim “out of the mouths of babes”. Children are wiser than we expect; are more accepting than we give them credit for; and certainly, in my experience, are less affected by society’s expectations in their early years than we, as adults, are with our years of experience.
Sophie and myself continue to enjoy a wonderful relationship as father and daughter. As with any parenting role there will always be traumas, and being separated by access arrangements has its own pitfalls. Time is precious with every weekend, and for that period my priority shifts from lover and partner, to father and carer.
I am proud that Sophie can understand such concepts as same sex relationships, and I am proud that she can attend Pride Fair Day and other events with my partner and myself as a family. We have had a lot of fun together, and as she grows there will certainly be many fond memories of her life with Mummy and her partner, Neil; as well as her life with Daddy and his partner, Richard.
We are fortunate that my partner enjoys the unique family situation we have developed, and he is willing to share in the parenting role where possible, a position that I encourage and support. It is wonderful to see the gleam in his eye when Sophie gives him a hug or runs out of her room with her latest drawing especially for him. It is a child’s ultimate sign of acceptance and unconditional love.
Sophie is lucky. While some children are homeless and without a loving family, she has a unique extended family, one that I hope she will grow to be proud of and not embarrassed by. She is privileged to have a very special Mum, three extra special Dads, and a resulting plethora of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. Who could ask for anything more but knowing that she is truly loved by all, including Richard, the man her Daddy loves.
