Being a non-custodial parent is, I am sure, no more difficult than being the custodial one. However, it is different, it operates under different rules and it provides very humbling experiences at times.
For the most part I manage to cope well with our situation. I see my daughter, Sophie, every second weekend and we have a flexible arrangement so that we can change weekends at a moment's notice if either household has a change of plans.
The flexibility has sometimes meant that there has developed a sense of "it's ok not to go with Dad this weekend if you want to do something else", which has been abused a couple of times.
2 days a fortnight makes for a difficult opportunity to maintain a relationship. Telephone calls are no compensation. Even more difficult is discovering that your child was in a school play or had a sports carnival and no-one bothered to tell you! *sigh*
As some of you might be aware from previous postings, the problems that do arise are usually issues between my ex and myself, often brought about through the interference of my sister (gotta love to hate siblings!).
Inevitably, the major problems have revolved around money - child support is a necessary responsibility, but when there's no money to give the other parent's lack of empathy can seem like a hurricane of greed motivated by the "financial burden" of raising a child. My answer has always been that if it is such a burden, I would gladly take custody and not ask for a dime in child support! The hysteria swiftly ends upon the realisation that the value of having custody transcends any monetary gains.
Other issues have centred around the activities that Sophie enjoys with us compared with what she does with her Mother. I take Sophie to the museums, art galleries, and movies. We've had nights at the theatre and the ballet. Often we will go out to a cafe for an arvo break or have dinner in a restaurant. These are things that Sophie's Mum cannot afford or probably wouldn't choose to do.
In the past, my ex has complained that Sophie is too disruptive on her return home. Perhaps because she has to settle back into a new environment with different rules, or perhaps because she has been excited and wants to relay what she did this weekend.
Occasionally (last weekend being an example) we also have Sophie's half-brother with us for the weekend. That makes a nice change for everyone - allows my ex and her hubby to have some time to themselves (or run a garage sale like they did last weekend) and also changes the dynamics of our household for a short while.
I don't approve of some facets of how Sophie is being brought up, but looking at the big picture they are minor issues and I try to counteract them as best as I can. I think Sophie has benefited from learning to adjust accordingly under the two households.
Being a separated parent is harder on ourself than it is on the kids. They adapt very quickly and, as parents, we tend to put on the brave face and protect them from the disruption and the hurt caused by the separation.
Sophie turns 10 in two weeks time and I'm starting to think about how we will handle access arrangements in her teens, when she starts playing weekend sport or wants to socialise with her friends more than she does presently. New compromises will have to be negotiated, I'm sure.
No matter which way you look at it, being the non-custodial parent can be more difficult personally when having to say farewell for a two-week stint every cycle. I'm ever hopeful that an alternative arrangement is required in the future. I want my chance as a full time parent too.
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