Moments like this leave me speechless.
Life just smacks you in the forehead and you stand their gob-smacked, mouth wide open and unable to utter a syllable.
A myriad of emotion welled up from within every synapse and sinew, enveloping me like a blanket, and just as suddenly there was an epiphany of light and beauty that broke through the dark clouds.
Yesterday there was sad news; the death of someone I did not know and who did not know me, but who had brought much joy into my life and the lives of many people I know.
I feel for the loss that his partner, family and friends must endure and the many questions that might be asked by those who wish to understand. However, I am strangely at peace; content in simply understanding without question.
Thank you to Brett and Andy for the joy of Toybox. My love to you both.
The following is copied from the Toybox website as a memorium to the greatness of a single human being.
BRETT BUSH
14.03.1966 - 18.11.2007
As I write this, my heart weighs heavy with unfathomable loss.
You may have already heard that Brett, my partner of 13 years and a co-founder of Toybox and the creative genius behind its brand, was found dead on Sunday evening, 18 November, having finally decided that the time was right for him to end his life.
For years Brett had told me and others as well, that he intended to end his life at a time of his choosing. His conversations and comments about this, while frequent and consistent, were never distressed or despairing. And he always seemed philosophical, wanting me to be prepared that he might leave me sooner rather than later. But I simply wasn't prepared.
When I started my 13 years with Brett I was a long way away from being philosophical about the prospect of losing him prematurely, and over the course of our relationship no amount of talking about such things with Brett, or with friends and family, and even with professionals, served to prepare me for the finality of his death last Sunday.
I am fairly sure though that Brett was clear that he was done with his life here.
He'd thought about choosing to end his life for many years, probably initially in the context of his HIV positive diagnosis in the 1980's, and living for years with the fear of an untimely and awful AIDS-related death right up until the mid-1990's when anti-retrovirals brought some brighter health prospects for his future.
But the constant consideration Brett gave to his mortality doesn't seem to have been about his HIV status alone, because about two months ago, in spite of being in very good health, Brett made a first but unsuccessful attempt to end his life, causing us to have to make an unprecedented and very difficult decision to cancel our 30 September Luminere Party.
In the context of treatment following that suicide attempt, Brett's attending physicians said he was not depressed, and that he was not a danger to himself nor to anyone else. They told us they were perplexed by Brett's positive life circumstances – his good health, financial security, family, friends, and being in a loving and happy 13 year relationship – and why those circumstances didn’t seem to be enough for him to want to stay alive.
I don't profess to have understood Brett in all of this – but I loved this man, and in so doing I have always chosen to do my utmost to honour his living on his terms, and I also intend to honour his dying – on his terms as well.
As I said earlier, I think Brett was done here – he clearly wanted to go. And while I feel bereft as I struggle to form pictures of my future without him, I am committed to accepting his choice.
In accordance with his wishes, Brett will be cremated privately at 2.30pm this Thursday 29 November.
At 4.00pm that same day there will be a celebration of Brett's life at Will and Toby’s, Level 1 of the Oxford Hotel in Taylor Square, Darlinghurst. No-one will be more welcome at this celebration than you, the members of Toybox. Please come if you'd like to be there – most especially if you knew Brett, or knew of his work or his life through Toybox, or elsewhere.
Finally, concerned about how quickly rumours can spread and grow, and also how wrong rumours can become when facts aren’t known, I decided to write this to ensure that you at least would know the circumstances surrounding Brett's death. Importantly, the content of this statement was agreed in principle by Brett in a number of conversations he and I had about what might or should be said publicly in the event of his death. I have been very careful to honour the spirit of those conversations and our agreement, and most especially Brett's wishes in this regard.
In finally saying goodbye for Brett, I know he’d also want me to say thank you – for all the fun, and for all the love.
Life does go on - and I’m looking forward to catching up with you when we’re out and about during the coming weeks, and if not, then hopefully at Toybox Luna Park in March next year.
Andy
