As much as many of us would enjoy seeing the demise of a few upon Capital Hill, we actually like our billion dollar flagpole and some of the people we elected to sit under it. So, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, I offer the dummies guide to 10 better targets for prospective terrorists to leave their mark on Australia.
Graphic sourced from www.smh.com.au
10. AFL/NRL clubs or stadiums
You can't get much more Australian than sport, and you won't get more Australians enlisting in the defence force to fight against your fundamentalism than if you target their beloved national religion. It's also one of the few places you can be assured of getting tens of thousands of innocent people in one location as well as live media coverage of your attack sponsored by alcohol, gambling, interest charging banks or burgers with crispy bacon. But be careful of which team you target; an attack on Collingwood might get you more thanks than vitriol, especially if you take out Eddie McGuire in the process.
9. Australian Christian Lobby
As its name implies this is a lobby group comprised mainly of conservative, fundamentalist pseudo-Christian fanatics. It has been often argued that they may be one of the most, if not the most, influential lobby group in Canberra. They regularly garner the attention of politicians from both sides of the House to speak at their functions and conferences, where issues like abortion, sexuality, marriage and the sanctity of the 'family' unit is never up for negotiation. Please, take them. We don't like them either.
8. The Tall Poppies
Basically we would like those on our rich list to be taken down a peg or two:
Rupert Murdoch - he still thinks he is Australian and is able to influence our politics even though he technically doesn't get a vote.
Gina Reinhart - amongst other things she is renowned for the fourth worst poetry in the universe, unless you believe the rumours that she is actually a Vogon, in which case she rises to third place.
Andrew Forrest - seems to mean well, but can't keep his pesky nose out of Gina's anal gland and seems to have an unbelievable simplistic solution to every social and welfare issue known to humanity.
7. Catch the Fire Ministries
As one of the most deplorable and bigoted 'Christians' in Australia, particularly focusing his hate speech towards Islam and homosexuality, Pastor Danny Nalliah is deserving of a fatwa, a jihad, a crusade or an untimely death from venereal ebola. He is the founder and President of an evangelical pseudo-Christian church, leader of the Rise Up Australia party, self-proclaimed healer and resurrector of the dead and a moronic young earth creationist amongst many more failings as a modern hominid. Danny recently celebrated his 50th birthday by thanking his mother for not aborting him. If only we could go back in time and convince her otherwise.
6. Adolf Hitler
Speaking of time travel, instead of being a terrorist you could use your boundless energy, endless resources and merciless martyrdom to perfect time travel and go back to the 1930s to kill Hitler, thereby preventing world war 2 and the Holocaust. This would allow the Jews to remain in Europe, Israel would never be established, the Middle East would never have been unfairly conquered and divided and Islam could remain a peaceful religion without all that nasty baggage.
5. Australian Family Association
Founded by fundamentalist Catholics, notably the infamous B.A. Santamaria, as the National Civic Council, the core premise of its existence is similar to the ACL in attempting to 'promote the family as the natural and fundamental unit of society'. Unmarried cohabitation, children out of wedlock, single parents, non-heterosexual relationships and access to IVF or adoption by anyone other than a married couple is offensive to them. Their most vociferous spokespeople have previously warned the public of the secret agenda to turn your boys gay, your girls into prostitutes and to legalise pedophilia and bestiality.
4.Australian Defence League
A nationalist and xenophobic rabble that was once anti-Semitic but found an easier and more popular target in Islam. Apart from racist and Islamophobic rants across the Internet, particularly through its social media accounts, the organisation has come under recent scrutiny after the revelation that members of the Royal Australian Navy involved in the divisive 'Operation Sovereign Borders' are also members of the ADL.
Because of the apparent lack of a single hierarchy or formal structure of this movement it is a difficult target, but one whose annihilation would receive resounding secular and cross-party applause around the nation.
3. Political arsehats
Pauline Hanson, Cory Bernardi, Jacqui Lambie, Mark Latham and Christopher Pyne to begin with, but we could easily list a hundred more. Yes, they are only morons and hardly anyone takes them seriously, but that potentially makes them very dangerous, especially if they were to team up like a nightmarish pack of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
2. Shock Jocks
Andrew Bolt: Convicted perpetrator of hate-speech, self-affirming bigot, general egomaniac and rabid conservative douchebag.
Kyle Sandilands: Moron. Enough said.
Alan Jones: a rabid conservative and, unfortunately, popularly divisive celebrity talkback radio host with a mouth like a 17th century syphillitic tavern wench with Tourette's. He tops this list because of his unmatched ability to excite the masses and potentially incite violence and atrocities against innocent people. His demise can not come too soon, particularly if it is caused by being put in 'a chaff bag and thrown into the sea' as he once suggested be done with former Prime Minister, Julia Gillard.
1. Yourself
Seriously, if you want to make a public statement using martyrdom to promote your cause then just blow yourself up in a wide open space with no one else around. I am happy to post your message on YouTube and ensure that you are remembered as a complete douchebag along with everyone else on this list. Please accept that as a small token of my appreciation for making this world a better place by your absence.
